“Don’t give me any of that ‘Domme with a heart’ crap.” These were the words on one boy’s blog I ran across about a month ago. (I’ve long since forgotten the source, but it’s really of no consequence as I’m not referencing him specifically.)
The Domme with a Heart…still the antithesis of the Dominatrix stereotype, but common enough now to be its own trope. It was recently suggested to me that my next blog entry be about the caring and connected style of D/s that is present in my own relationships. To be honest, I have no idea how to write that particular blog entry. I really feel that it is something you either have or you don’t. You don’t fake this method of domination, although it might be accurate to say that some women might be faking being a mean, ice queen. If you are, that’s on you. I personally can’t fake interactions with people and I’m a terrible liar. I operate the way that I do because that is what comes naturally to me. I would heartily suggest to any new Dommes out there that you simply “Do You”. If you’re a bitch, be a bitch Domme. If you’re a softie, be a gentle Domme. Some women may find that when in Domme mode, a particular aspect of their personality is more front-and-center. If that’s you, roll with it!
The thing I would caution against is following whatever trend you see simply because you see a lot of it. It should come as no surprise that I’m thinking of the “fuck you, pay me” crowd. Again, if that’s what makes you happiest, go for it. But if you’re journeying down that road, because that’s where you think you see the biggest crowd, stop! Be you. Don’t be everybody else. This also applies to non-Findom Dommes as well. If you look around and think stern, unsmiling bitchiness is the only way to dominate, it isn’t. Again, if that’s you, do it. If that’s not, then don’t. I have my mean (or strict or cruel) moments, but you’ll be very unlikely to find a picture of me with my stern face on simply because that’s not my primary mode.
Am I a Domme with a Heart? I am a Domme. And, yes, I have a heart. However, I don’t use that tagline for the simple reason that I don’t want to put the focus there. I also think that some (mostly men) misread that to mean that you are a softie or a pushover. While some boys do see my softer side, others do not. My interactions can vary widely within my relationships because I am a complex person with many interests and facets to my personality. My primary mode is more of a Guide or Caretaker, however there is still a small part of me that is sadistic and cruel and occasionally longs to be unleashed. I’m a Domme with a heart because I care about you as a human being and, in the long run, I don’t want to hurt you permanently. However, for the boy who yearns to be beaten, made small, chewed up and spit out, I look forward to watching you endure that side of me. [Insert slow, evil smile here.]
Whether I beat you, humiliate you, or take your money, when the day is done, I will adore you for accepting (and revelling) in everything I dished out. Honestly, your submission is more my kink than anything. Dominating you is fun and the highs are so wonderful for me, but my greatest joy is in experiencing your submission – watching you process the pain (be it physical or psychological), walking with you through that journey of acceptance, basking with you when you find your joy in serving. All the rest of it – the money, gifts, kinky activities – those are simply the processes by which we undertake our journey.
The gist of my style boils down to three things:
- I’m just being me. This isn’t my job or a role I play.
- I genuinely love the process of submission.
- I limit my engagement to those boys with whom I feel a connection on some type of level. Granted some connections are deeper than others, but I will never dominate someone just for the money. That’s just not fun to me.
Have fun everyone and play safe!
PS. Comments are always welcome on here as well on Twitter.